A Few Weeks In Pictures...

I've decided that since I finally have a paycheck, I can afford to actually go grocery shopping without breaking into a nervous sweat.  My goal is to bake an actual meal every Sunday (so I'll have leftovers for a few days when I get home from work).  I eased into it with some mini-pizzas...

 My meager little Christmas tree, now with more Nutcracker...

My desk...exciting.

Holiday cooking experiment.  They're supposed to be Christmas trees, but I didn't wait for them to cool, so they kinda fell apart when I started cutting them.  Martha Stewart would not have approved.

Nice long lunch at Farm to Fork...

Preparing for Christmas and the journey to CG...

I bought myself an Xbox for Christmas...good thing I don't have a social life!  Ahahahaha..haha...ha...sigh...

Millionaire Matchmaker

Sidelined by a killer headache, I've spent most of my evening since getting home from work laying on the couch indulging in my guilty pleasure, Bravo.  Real Housewives, Top Chef, The Rachel Zoe Project...zero thinking required on my part.  I've spent the past three hours watching The Millionaire Matchmaker.  I absolutely love Patti Stanger because she just flat out will tell people that they suck at life if that's the case.  Maybe one day, if I ever meet the income requirement, I can let her analyze me...ahahaha, who am I kidding, my student loan payments are going to be taking every last bit of disposable income I have for the next 25-30 years.  Huzzah!

On a side note...I promise to try and post a little more regularly from here on out.  So, for the two of you that read this, yay!  :)

Today was an up and down day.  It's hard to complain too much when I work in an office where afternoons are marked with Nerf wars that culminate in the entire staff converging on our boss's office and littering the place with darts.  Are there many other offices that do that?  I don't think so.

But then something happened that turned any happiness I'd felt during the day and just completely erased it.  The all too familiar feeling of having the wind knocked out of me.  You would think that after a year I'd have built up an immunity, but unfortunately, that's not how it works.  So I sat at my desk, attempting to focus on the tax research in front of me for the last 30 minutes of my day, but failing miserably.  I went home and tried to push the negative thoughts out of my mind, once again failing miserably.  I went to the gym and spent four miles on a treadmill, pretending that I was chasing down whatever it was that made me feel so bad.  I left feeling marginally better and looking like a hot mess.

And then I came home, cleaned up, sat down, and opened up my computer to find a friend had left me a message.  And as quick as it took me to feel like I had had the wind violently knocked out of me, I felt the mouth curve into a smile.  Sometimes that's really all you need when you feel like everything's going wrong.  Not someone to tell you it's going to be all right when no one can be totally sure of that; not someone to help plot out how you're going to exact revenge.  Just a friend to say something nice and remind you that there are good people out there.  So to that friend, I just want to thank you.  I really, truly thank you.

Merry Christmas, Darling...

The Show Must Go On...

It's been almost two weeks since bar results came out.  I spent that entire weekend curled up on the couch with a box of Kleenex and BBC America.  My face was so red and swollen, it looked like I'd walked into a swarm of bees.  Not exactly my prettiest hour.

I'd like to say that I've had time to reflect on the whole experience and am ready to look ahead and try again.  And that's partially true.

Obviously I'm retaking the test; if I gave up every time I failed at something, I would never have made it as far as I have.  I've decided to take the Oregon bar in July instead of taking the California bar again in February.  It just seems to make the most sense, considering the circumstances.  I just started working, so moving out of state is out of the question.  If I was even considering taking the bar in February, I literally would have had to have started studying this week.  With a new job that has me in the office for 10 hours a day, the idea of having to start that soul-sucking experience all over makes me wanna start sobbing again.  I also don't want to take myself away from the opportunity of getting to know the people I'm working with, which is exactly what would happen if I had to be studying during my hour lunch break and as soon as I got off work.  Add to the fact that I would have to take a week off of work less than four months in, waiting and staying local just seems to be the best thing right now.

So I've got a plan and anyone who knows me knows that I'm more at ease when I've got it all mapped out. But as for how I'm doing...I can't explain it, but I feel different.  Sure, I've failed at things before, but this feels different.  I feel...hollow?  Hopeless?  I'm not sulking around, I'm not listening to depressing music on repeat, I just...I feel like this failure has permanently changed me.  I devoted my entire summer, to studying.  I did every homework assignment, I read every outline, and my apartment was blanketed in note cards.  I prayed night and day and made sure to give my lucky pig a squeeze before each section of the test.  I got every essay subject I could have asked for and the only part that made me nervous was the MBE.  I actually walked away from that test thinking that I passed.  For the first time in years, I felt confident about a test.  I thought law school had beaten that feeling out of me.  All of that and I still failed.  Let's not dress it up by saying, "I didn't pass."  I failed.  FAILED.  Plain and simple.

I get that I'm not the first or last person to fail the bar, but honestly, I don't care about everyone else.  Call me selfish, self-absorbed, but I don't care.  I failed and I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me.  I worked so hard to pull myself out of the clusterfuck that was my first year of law school and I feel like this just knocked me back down to square one.  I'm embarrassed and I'm ashamed that even after all of that work, I wasn't even "minimally competent."  I studied like I've never studied before and I gave all that I possibly could during those three days of the test.  If that wasn't enough, then what is?

But the show must go on, right?  The only thing that would make me a bigger failure is if I just gave up. So I take it again.  And if I fail, I take it again.  Hopefully, I'll see my name on that pass list eventually.  Until then though...just gotta try to keep putting one foot in front of the other...

Epic Fail

Close to half of the people that sat for the July 2010 California bar exam failed.

Last night, I found out I was one of them.

In my mind, that's as good of an excuse as any to lay on my couch all weekend and catch up on all of the shows I've missed after a week of being without DirectTV.

Next week: regroup.  The week after: start the process all over again.

For now though...attempt to salvage what's left of a shattered spirit.  That, I fear, will be trickier than studying for the bar again...

Mission Accomplished

Bruised, battered, and definitely tired, but all moved in to my new apartment.  Mom came up with the U-Haul this morning and somehow, she and I managed to carry my couch upstairs without ruining it.  The couch did try to kill me in the process (getting stuck between the a piece of furniture and the stairwell is not how I want to go out) and I seriously tweaked my lower back, but it and all of the rest of my heavy furniture are safely in their new home.  Now all I have to do is clean the old apartment so I can at least get some of my security deposit back and hand over the keys!  The move is (almost) complete.

Once I'm no longer living out of boxes, I'll post some pictures.  It's so much nicer than my last place, and I'm excited to get the chance to decorate once I'm all settled and, you know, I start getting a paycheck.  For now though, all I want to do is lay down and enjoy my last weekend of being unemployed.  Come Monday, it's time to go to work...

Times, They Are a Changin'...

A lot has changed over the past few weeks...

I GOT A JOB!!!  I didn't blog about it sooner because I think I still wasn't sure if it was all really happening.  I went in for a second interview before Halloween and fully expected to have to wait another week before I heard anything back (like every other job I'd interviewed for).  But after an hour of meeting with the two partners of the group, they asked if this job sounded like something I wanted to do, and when I said yes, they asked when I could start!  Just like that!

I think I expected to be a little more excited than I actually was.  That's not to say that I wasn't; I just wasn't rolling on the ground, kicking and screaming.  I think fear and anxiety muscled past excitement, because while I was relieved and happy to have finally found a job (one that actually sounded like something I wanted to do and not just something I was settling for) and a real paycheck, my mind instantly went to all of the logistics.  How long would it take to pack up my apartment?  How am I going to get my couch down three flights of stairs?  How quickly can I find a new apartment?  How much is all of this gonna cost me?  How am I going to make friends in a new city?  The harsh realities of adulthood were seriously taking all of the fun out of getting my first real job!  But nearly a week later, I'm finally starting to feel a little more at ease with the whole process.  I got a new apartment that I'll be moving into this Friday, so the big stressor right now is packing and moving everything out of here and into the new place.  So for the past week, I've basically spent all my time on this:

Packing.  I.  Hate.  Packing.  I did it every single year while I was in college and it never gets any easier. And this time around, I have a couch to move, which presents new fun challenges.  Sigh...it'll all get done, one way or another.

It's been a crazy past couple of weeks, but all good crazy.  It's nice to finally be moving forward instead of standing still...

British TV = Jolly Good

Law & Order: UK

So, I was searching for something to save me from the 'Keeping Up With the Kardashians' marathon on E! this weekend when I came across 'Law & Order: UK' on BBC America.  I'm officially obsessed.  Not only am I a sucker for an English accent (hello DS Devlin, last man on the right in the picture above), but watching the prosecutors try the cases makes me want to become a barrister and move to the UK.  Practicing law is already pretty cool (at least that's what I hear, since I'm still waiting on bar results), but practicing law in a gown and wig?  Addressing the judge as "my lord" or "my lady" instead of "your honor?"  Yes, please.

I discovered two other shows during my weekend long British Invasion:

Luther

Conveniently, I discovered 'Luther' just as it was starting on BBC America.  It's a six-part miniseries about a detective (Idris Elba, who most in the US will recognize from 'The Wire') who is back to hunting down violent criminals after suffering a mental breakdown from the last case he was on.  My favorite character though has to be Alice, partially because she's a redhead and partially because she's so frightening (she killed her entire family and got away with it).  My Sunday nights won't be so lonely anymore since 'Mad Men' and 'Rubicon' are done for the season.

Top Gear

'Top Gear' is an hour long car show and it's hilarious.  I don't know what else to say other than watch it.

I really want to move to the UK now...

To Be a Professional...

The Plaid Lab via Beast Pieces

These have to be the most awesome business cards in the world!  If I had a title that was something more professional than "unemployed law student/professional channel surfer," I'd want something as bright and colorful as these.

Hopefully soon.

Sparkle Sparkle

Washingtonian

I want these shoes more than I want chocolate cake drizzled with caramel sauce.  Sooo...a lot.

They may not be ruby red (except for the signature red Laboutin sole), but I feel like if you click your heels together while wearing these shoes, you'd be transported to someplace magical...

I Had a Dream Last Night...

...that I logged on to the California Bar website, scrolled down the list, and saw my name in big, bold letters on the pass list.  For some reason my mom was there too and I literally tackled her down to the ground because I was jumping up and down, screaming and crying.  I felt so relieved.

Less than five weeks until I find out whether that dream will become a reality...

28

I have a love/hate relationship with birthdays.

In high school, I always felt like I was the one to go all out for everyone's special day.  Not because I was expecting the favor to be returned when my day came around, but because my own birthday was my favorite holiday.  Halloween, Christmas, they didn't measure up.  Birthdays are the one day you can legitimately make it all about you for 24 hours.  In the end though, I was let down because the most I would get from anyone that wasn't related to me was a simple "happy birthday."  And honestly, I think that's only because in high school they always announced birthdays during the morning announcements.

In college, my freshman year roommate, Erika, threw me my first surprise birthday.  It was the best thing ever, only to be topped the following year when I was blind folded and taken to dinner at Medieval Times and brought back to my apartment to a second surprise party.  Birthdays in college just seemed like a lot more fun because the people around me seemed to enjoy them as much as I did.  I didn't need expensive gifts, just having friends coming over to yell surprise or just to stop in and say hey was enough to make me happy.

Everything since college has been a bit of a mixed bag.  Nothing horrible, a few near disasters, but on the whole, it's been mostly okay.  Maybe I'm expecting too much and that's why as midnight draws closer and my 28th birthday is officially over, I feel a little underwhelmed/disappointed.  This year especially since I'm in a bit of a life limbo at the moment.

All I know is that as I type this, there's 7 minutes left of my birthday.  Everyone that I really truly care about has said happy birthday except for one.  And in a day and age where Facebook alerts you to whose birthday it is, there really isn't an excuse to forget anymore.  And unfortunately, I'm letting the one birthday holdout shape my view of my 28th birthday.

So on the whole, 28 could be worse.  I just wish there wasn't the one holdout...

Living Life, One 'Grey's Anatomy' Quote At a Time...

Six days out of the week, I feel like I'm a fairly normal (humor me), functioning human being.  But for two hours every Thursday night, I turn on ABC and I swear, they must lace Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice with mega-doses of estrogen because I turn into a crying, screaming at the TV mess...which, honestly isn't too far off from how I normally watch TV, just minus all the crying.  What can I say, I really get involved with my shows...

As unrealistic as it may be, I always find at least one quote from Grey's that seems to apply perfectly to how I'm feeling right at that very moment.  Tonight's season premiere was no different:

"I don't know, I think you're either born simple or you're born...me."

Some days I wonder how it is that everyone else can just "go with the flow" so easily while I stress and dwell on every little thing.  I wonder how it can be so easy for some people to just let go and I'm still holding on.  I wish that I could get out of my head less and just be in the moment...

Sure, the simple answer would be just to do it.  Live in the moment, go with the flow, let go of all of those things that you don't have control over anyway.  But...don't you think if it were that simple, I would have done that years ago???  I would love to be easy going and have the annoying knack for finding the bright side in every situation, but that's just not who I am.  And for better or worse, I've largely come to terms with that.  I over-analyze and I have the annoying knack for finding something negative about every situation.  I don't think I'm a Debbie Downer, since I've learned to keep certain things to myself, but...I wasn't born simple.  I was born 'me.'

...I believe I've exceeded my "cheesy" quota for the night...

Quote of the Day...

I realize the source is girly, but...what do you expect?

"Maybe it's the wanting, the expectation of 'happy,' that keeps us from actually getting there."
~Grey's Anatomy

Grey Clouds

I feel like I'm walking around with a giant storm cloud over my head this week.  Not a pouring down rain, thunder/lightning storm cloud, but just a dark grey cloud that's zapping every last bit of energy I have and constantly threatening to start raining...if that makes any sense.

I was reading one of my favorite blogs this morning and this quote is what I'm attempting at the moment:

"those moments where i feel like everything in my life is turning to crap, help make me appreciate all the happier moments of my life. the crappy moments offer balance, and i'm just really thankful for those crappy moments, too, if that makes sense. because they make the good moments that much better."

~Rockstar Diaries

I'm really trying to remind myself that this is just one of those periods in life that make you appreciate all the good stuff that has and will happen...

...I just hope this period comes to an end in the near future.  Sitting in front of my computer searching for jobs and attempting to find something new to watch on OnDemand is got old over a month ago...

I Want My (Old) MTV...

Last night I watched the MTV Video Music Awards...I don't know why though, since MTV doesn't actually show music videos anymore, just endless marathons of 'The Jersey Shore' (which I can proudly say I've never seen) or 'My Super Sweet 16," a show that makes mandatory sterilization seem like a reasonable idea.  A few thoughts:

Justin Bieber needs to stop...NOW.

WHY DO PEOPLE LIKE THIS KID?!  I don't get it!  Maybe it's a true sign of my age, but I'd like to think that even back when I was 16 that I wouldn't have fallen for this "Bieber Fever" ridiculousness.  He "performed" during the show, and seriously, if you can't sing and dance at the same time, either give up and be a back up dancer or stand still and let everyone else dance around you.  What's the point in being part of a live show if you're lip syncing?  He went on to win "Best New Artist" (over the obvious long shot, but obviously more talented Broken Bells) and I only hope that he career endures as long as other former Best New Artist winners ('Til Tuesday?  Crowded House?  A-ha?).

The Jersey Shore

Rolling Stone

When did orange skin and duck lips become hot?  Did any of these idiots release an album?  WHY WERE THEY THERE?!

Kanye West

Rolling Stone

Not horrible.  And he actually sang, which seems to be a rarity with "live" awards shows these days.  I liked the ballerinas that danced in the background too.  He may be arrogant as all hell, but you can't deny that he's got talent.

Biggest Travesty of the Night

Eminem won best hip hop video over Jay-Z.  Seriously?  Seriously???  Did no one see "On to the Next One?"  Best video of the year.  Hands down.

Oh, and Lady Gaga won every other award and wore a dress made of meat.  Real meat.

Maybe I'm getting too old, but I miss the days when award shows were more about the artists, less about who was gonna get naked and make out with each other on live TV, and reality stars were not on the guest list.  Ah, a better time...

Did You Know...

Willing your phone to ring usually doesn't work?  You would have thought I would have figured that out by now...

Extreme Makeover: Boredom Edition

Maybe "extreme" is a little...extreme (sorry, I couldn't resist).  I'm not scheduling any appointments with the plastic surgeon (that would require money and not caring about the possibility of waking up to find that I look like Heidi Montag) and I'm not thinking of attempting to rock the bald look, a la Britney Spears (back in her hot mess days) or Sinead O'Connor...my head is too big for that (literally, I have a huge head).  Just a tiny tweak...

Via Hyperbole and a Half

I won't lie, more than once I've thought of going all in and dying my hair blonde.  Lindsay Lohan did it, Nicole Kidman did it, why can't I?

Living in LA for four years definitely left me with an even bigger complex about my hair than I had before I moved.  The second I even say the word "blonde" to anyone though, I'm met with horrified gasps and a chorus of, "But you're hair is so unique!  Why would you want to change it?!"

That word makes me cringe the second I hear it.  You know what else is unique?  Having six fingers on each hand instead of five.  To me, unique has always just been another word for "weird."  Add to the fact that I've been teased mercilessly about it since I was in elementary school and you can begin to see why I don't wake up every morning, look in the mirror and exclaim, "I'm so lucky to be so damn unique!"

So the red stays.  Baby steps I guess.  I went to Target and bought some liquid eyeliner and I'm going to attempt to teach myself how to put it on without 1) permanently blinding myself and 2) looking like a hooker.  Yes, I'm a 27 year old girl that has yet to learn how to properly put on eyeliner.  How this happened, especially after living in a sorority house for two years, I don't know.  Conveniently, one of the blogs I follow posted a step-by-step guide on the topic, so I'm going to attempt to see if I can keep my hand steady long enough to be successful...

...I know myself though, so I also stocked up on eye makeup remover.  Lessens the chance of looking like I was on the receiving end of a vicious beating...

I Have An Addiction...

And I'm not talking about Starbucks.  That's too obvious.

Via The Superficial

The addiction I'm referring to is clothes.  We all have them (except for the nudists out there...ew), but some people love them more than others (me).  There's no better instant pick me up than walking out of a store with a shopping bag filled with nice new clothes or a couple new pairs of shoes.  Back in January, when I spent an entire night crying my eyes out, I poured a gallon of Visine in my bloodshot eyes and went out and bought myself a new pair of Seven Jeans.  Sure, when I walked out of the store it was still pouring rain outside and I still felt like the world was coming to an end, but for a second, everything was okay because I had a new pair of perfect fitting jeans.  Shopper's high: one hit and you're addicted.

Unfortunately, due to lack of employment and no money coming in from student loans like I'm so used to around this time of the year, I haven't been shopping in the longest time.  When I was in LA after the bar exam, I really tested my strength by walking into an Anthropologie while wasting time at The Grove.  I almost talked myself into buying a simple white tank top that I found in the sale section, but I begrudgingly left it in the dressing room and got out of the store before my willpower reached its true breaking point.  A sad day indeed.

I realize that I probably won't illicit much sympathy when my closet is almost filled to the limit...

(This, plus the dresser of clothes and the pile of clothes on my bed)

I really need to go shopping soon though or I may go crazy.  Just a couple of shirts?  Maybe a few pairs of shoes?  Just one little hit to tide me over into the fall season?  C'mon!

I need a change...

Happy Birthday, Sister-Friend

Quote of the Day

Wine and cheese...and hot dogs.

Sweet Cheeks wine tasting room

Root beer is classier in a wine glass (and tastes better when it's free)

Photo credit goes to Amanda on this one

Last night a bunch of us girls got together and went up to Sweet Cheeks Winery.  It was a much needed break from the fruitless job searching and the silence of my apartment.  The weather was absolutely perfect: not too hot and not a cloud in the sky.  One of the perks about being the non-drinker in the group was that my drink of choice (root beer) was compliments of Sweet Cheeks.  I liked that they gave me a wine glass to drink it in; not only did I get drink out of the big kid glass, but since they poured the whole bottle in, anyone who didn't know what I was drinking probably thought I was a lush.  Ha!

Three bottles of wine later, we made our way back into Eugene and hit up Starlight, which was packed with law students.  I kinda felt like the senior that graduated from high school the year before but still goes to the high school parties, but this was nowhere near as creepy since we weren't 18 year olds hitting on high school freshman.  

Since alcohol and an empty stomach is not a good combination, we found a street vendor that was selling hot dogs, which I was happy to buy for anyone that needed one since the last thing I wanted was someone throwing up (especially in my car).  I've had that happen once and it was the worst experience of my life.  Luckily, everyone just got nice and drunk and my sanity remained relatively intact.  A successful night indeed!

For future reference though, wearing heels for extended periods of time the night before you plan on running 10 miles is not the best idea.  Also, not eating dinner and just grabbing handfuls of cheese and crackers instead isn't exactly the greatest pre-run meal.  Oh well, the extra minute added to my pace was worth the night out...

The Young and the Restless

You would think that with nothing but time on my hands, I'd have more time to update this thing.  The funny thing about having nothing to do though is that that's when I get the least work done.  For instance, I promised myself that my poor suffering apartment would get a much needed deep cleaning once I got home and the bar was a distant memory (at least for now).  Almost a month post-bar and the only major accomplishment has been stacking all my Barbri books on my bookshelf.  Hopefully, come November, they can get the proper treatment they deserve...which will be anything involving fire...

I wish I could say that I've enjoyed myself post-bar.  I wish I could say that a weight was lifted off my shoulders and I finally felt like I could breathe again; today though, when I was out running along the river, I couldn't breathe.  Literally.  I was four miles into my run and suddenly, all of the thoughts about moving back to Cottage Grove in October, being unemployed, being lonely, missing people, sent me into a bona fide panic attack.  I started hyperventilating and had to stop for about five minutes because I couldn't breathe.  It felt like my throat had closed up to the size of one of those tiny straws you use to stir your coffee with.  It's a terrifying feeling.  I still had another mile and a half to go though, so once that drowning feeling went away, I turned my iPod back on, found the loudest, angriest, most aggro song on my playlist ("Freak On a Leash" by Korn), turned it up, and just tried not to think.

I feel stuck.  I log on to Facebook and see people posting pictures from their post-bar trips or talking about how they're exhausted from their first week of work and I just wonder if that's ever going to be me.  I mean, obviously I'll have a job, but will it be something that represents the 22 years of my life that I've invested in my education (and not to mention a lot of money) or will I be a part-time shop girl or waitress?  I read an article not to long ago that described my generation as the generation of entitlement because we all feel like we're entitled to more than what we have.  But looking at all of the time I've invested in school, all of the money, and a summer lost to the California bar exam, I don't feel bad about expecting more.  I'm not asking for the $100k starting salary, I'm just asking for someone to call me back for an interview!  I want to have a job so I can start saving to go on that post-bar trip that most likely won't happen for several more years.  But mostly, I want a job so I can finally feel like an adult and not have a panic attack whenever I need to go grocery shopping...

I also feel bad for my mom for having to put up with me.  I really want to look on the bright side, but I think with the reality of moving back to Cottage Grove in October if I don't find a job by then hanging over my head, everything just seems bleak.  I can't even mask how depressed that thought makes me.  Somedays I can hide it better than others, but this week I haven't even tried.

I just hope next week is better than this week.  Or something happens on Friday that magically turns this into the best week ever...

...I think I'll shoot for next week.

Chick Flick Hangover

Turning on "Nights in Rodanthe" was a bad idea.  Now I just find myself wishing I had someone to dance with on a pier, overlooking the ocean and the stars.

Damn you, Nicholas Sparks...

We Now Rejoin "Life," Already in Progress...

It's done.

Last week I spent three glorious days in a freezing cold Pasadena Convention Center taking the bar exam.  I'm proud to report that I did not freak out like I expected (I only cried once, after the end of the first day, but exhaustion was more the cause of that) and stayed surprisingly calm throughout.  As for how I did, I won't even speculate.  The thought of having to go through this experience all over again right now makes me want to run screaming for the hills, so for now, all I can say is that I did it, I survived, and now I'll just wait...

Once I finished the test, I went out for a celebratory dinner with Kim at Islands in Pasadena.  She was telling me how one of her other friends took the bar that week too and after she was done went straight to the salon to get a haircut.  I totally understood the feeling.  I'd been trying to fight bar exam induced ugliness through the entire two month process, but the circles under my eyes were definitely getting darker those last two weeks and while I still managed to avoid living in sweats (the sure sign that you've given up), I definitely wasn't looking to impress from my lonely cubicle in the library.

So the first order of business on Friday (besides getting my rental car)?  Cheap pedicures!  I still don't understand how Oregon gets away with charging $35 minimum for a pedicure when I got a very nice one for $13!  I was still exhausted, but at least my toes looked pretty.

After some bumming around LA, I headed down to San Diego to see Tina for a post-bar/belated birthday (hers) celebration.  I knew I was shooting myself in the foot (pretty pedicured foot) when I left at 3:00 p.m. on a Friday, so the drive that was supposed to take two hours ended up taking four.  When I finally got down there, we headed downtown for dinner at Yard House and met up with her sister later at the Marriott before grabbing dessert at Ghirardelli.  All in all, a successful first day back from bar prep hell.

After brunch in La Jolla, I headed back up to LA.  I'd booked a hotel for the night that advertised it was "right behind LA Live!" but that turned out to be a load of crap.  It was nowhere near LA Live, but actually in a really sketchy area (like, I was afraid to leave my room once I checked in).  That's what I get for not paying attention to the address when booking.  Thankfully, Kim called to check up on me and offered her room at her apartment while she was out of town.  I'd only been at the hotel for an hour, but I quickly packed up everything and jumped into my car and headed for safety.  I was out $60, but that was fine by me.  It meant I wasn't afraid to leave and go hit up a movie and wander around The Grove, enjoying my last few moments of freedom in LA.

I forget how beautiful everyone in LA is.  I lived there for four years, but for some reason I really noticed it this time around.  I kept hearing ads on the radio for a surfing competition in Huntington Beach, so I decided to drive down and check it out.  Unfortunately, everyone else in the area had the same idea.  While I was looking for parking, I noticed all of the girls on their bikes and in their bikinis and started to feel like the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man in comparison (both in color and shape).

I literally stand no chance against these girls.  I mean, I'm sure it didn't help that I was felt like I looked like death from being stressed out about the bar and my hair was not responding well to the humidity (if I ever move back I'm gonna have to start investing in regular hair straightening treatments again...or the good of the people around me).  I can almost (ALMOST) understand why D-Listers like Heidi Montag have plastic surgeons on retainer.

Don't worry, the likelihood of me going under the knife is slim to none.  It does mean though that I'll be adding a few extra miles to my weekly runs.  And maybe keep up with the self-tanner a little better than I have been during bar prep (again, sitting alone in the library, I didn't really see the point).

...I wonder what I'd look like as a blond?  Maybe just some blond highlights?  Hmmm...

Minus the blow to the self-esteem, it felt so great to spend my first few days of freedom in LA.  Every time I go back it feels even harder to leave because I know that it's my real home.  I can't explain the feeling, I just know that while waking up in my comfortable bed was a nice change from the hotels, I felt a little sad all day knowing I was back in Oregon for the foreseeable future.  Sigh...

Oh LA, I love you.  Hopefully I'll see you sooner rather than later...

If I Had a Time Machine...

I would set it to take me back to when I was in middle school and decided I wanted to be a lawyer.  I wouldn't flat out tell the middle school me to not go to law school, I'd just warn that little kid that the bar exam is the closest thing to hell on Earth that you can possibly imagine.

Day one down in the books.  Two more days to go...

This To Shall Pass...

"One more week," a fellow California bar prepper said to me.

"We're almost done," said an Oregon bar taker as he walked back up to his study room in the library.

None of these sentiments were filled with any excitement or even a hint of relief.  Bar prep had officially beaten all human emotion out of us.  Everyone at school just walks around like zombies, going through the motions, day in and day out.

Even when I go to bed early, I wake up just as tired as when I fell asleep.  I'm soooooo ready to be done with this.

When I was driving home for lunch to take a nap today (I know), this song came on the radio.  It seemed appropriate (the song title in particular)...

I Just Wanna Sleep...

A Life More Fabulous

All I really want to do is sleep.  Just relax, wake up whenever I want, not feel the urge to roll grudgingly out of bed because I need to get to the library so I can get to work.

One week and a couple days left to go...

Cubicle Meltdown

I spent literally my entire day in one cubicle in the library today.  Around 3 or 4, I pretty much just started crying; actually, it was more like silent sobs (I was in a library after all).  It may have been the saddest scene ever.  Tears all over my contracts outline.

Everyone else seems to have someone to lean on.  I'm kinda feeling alone at the moment.

I gave myself 10 minutes to sob my little heart out when I got home.  Then...back to contracts.  Sigh...

To Be Afraid Again

Over the weekend there was a marathon of "The Hills" on MTV, which I had on in the background while I was studying (most of the time with the volume on low so I didn't feel guilty).  While it is a guilty pleasure (c'mon, it's not Masterpiece Theater), one of the things I love about it is the sweeping camera shots of Los Angeles.  For every two weeks of smog, there's one or two days where it's beautifully clear, the palm trees look especially perky, and the skyscrapers glimmer in the Southern California sun.  I fall in love a little more every time.  I don't understand how anyone can hate LA.

Today was the first day the fear set in.  It's been surprisingly absent for most of bar prep, but during the last hour of today's lecture, when the professor started talking about how important these last two weeks were, that tightness in my stomach suddenly began to form and the nausea reared its ugly head.

I try not to let myself get too bothered by it.  I think before, I used to see nervousness as a sign of weakness, and as a classic Type A personality, weakness is not acceptable.  Now though, I accept the fact that I'm gonna be nervous...hell, everyone is nervous!  We've all been studying for months, our sanity (if we ever had any to begin with) has pretty much been beaten out of us, our confidence is shot.  Fear is just apart of the package deal...

What does this all have to do with LA?  I've been thinking a lot about fear lately and how there's the fear that sucks, like what I'm feeling in regards to the bar exam, and the fear that's exhilarating, like when you try something new or move to a new place.  It feels like I've spent a lot of the past few years feeling the former.  Three years of law school finals, the bar, living in a place that doesn't feel like home.  It's not like I'm walking around with a rain cloud over my head, but it definitely does affect my outlook.

What I really want is the latter.  I want to be afraid like I was when I first moved to LA when I was 18.  The fear that's more of a mixture of excitement of the unknown than it is an actual fear.  I'm ready to feel that again- actually, I've been ready for awhile now.

I really just want to go home.  And for me, home is LA.  Anywhere in Southern California is fine by me, but LA will always have my heart.

I hope I get to be afraid in LA soon...

I Can't Wait...

To go see a movie in the theater.

To read a magazine.

To sleep in past 8:00 a.m.

To go out without feeling guilty about not working.

To go an entire day without doing anything educational.

To be done studying every waking moment.

As boring as my life may feel at times, I can't wait to have it back...

Ugh.

What a way to end the week:

• Sample MBE from 9 a.m. to 4 p.m.
• Spilling the entire contents of a water bottle in my bag during the lunch break, submerging my Scantron from the morning session and more importantly...my iPhone.
• Almost driving away from Starbucks with my coffee on my roof (thanks, kind stranger, for the wild hand gestures).
• A spider that decided to scurry across my dashboard as I was driving.
• Spending money on a new phone.
• Correcting my sample MBE and feeling completely defeated.

But I guess I have to at least ATTEMPT to look on the bright side:

• The sample MBE is supposed to be ridiculously hard (according the the Barbri lecturer), so hopefully I wasn't the only one feeling hopeless after today.
• At least my computer wasn't in my bag like it normally is.  My water bottle is NEVER allowed back in my bag.
• Even though they were out of the new iPhone 4 and I had to get the last model (and waste my upgrade), the sales guy told me that technically, I could return my new phone if I was "unsatisfied" within 30 days and get the upgrade restored so I can get the new iPhone.  I'm ordering it tomorrow.

After the bar, I'd love to just go to a spa for a few days and relax.  Feel like a girl again and not a tired mess.

Dare to dream...

Maybe I'm Obsessed...

Did you know that of the 9 Incubus concerts I've been to, 8 were while I was living in LA?  They (the band) were the first real celebrities I got to meet when I first moved down there in 2001 for my freshman year at 'SC.  I waited in line for six hours at a Warehouse Records (back when record stores still existed) with another friend from my dorm to get a wristband and a copy of their latest CD, "Morning View," which we could get signed the next night.  We waited in line for four hours the next night.  I was so flustered when I met them that I'm not even sure if what I said to Brandon Boyd when he was signing my CD was in English.

Not that I'm obsessed or anything...

I really miss Southern California right now.  I miss LA.  I miss everything about it.



Fun fact: did you know that the above video is actually not the original video for the song?  They decided to reshoot it because this video came out right after 9/11 and the original depicts the band running from a screaming mob of girls.  Personally, I think the video they went with is so much better...



The more you know...

Lizard Hurdles

Normally after a day that's been more bad than good, a nice long run helps to even things out.

That is of course unless you come across a lizard hurdle.

A fancy track term known only by elite runners?  No.  I mean real lizards.  Scaly, evil looking lizards.

I was about a mile from home and completely lost in thought.  I was starting to feel a little more relaxed, almost forgetting the fact that even though it was Friday, I still had to wake up bright and early tomorrow morning to head to class.  I happened to cast my gaze downward and in the middle of the sidewalk, saw two lizards right in my path.  First off, lizards?  This is Eugene, why are there lizards on the sidewalk???  I could tell that if I didn't do anything, I'd be cleaning lizard remains off the bottom of my shoes, so I took a couple of weird steps to try and slow myself, then ended up just leaping over them, landing on my left foot.  Of course, this is the leg with the possible IT band injury, so as soon as my foot hit the concrete at a weird angle, the pain started up again.  I stopped for a moment to curse the lizards who were still hanging out on the sidewalk and then attempted to start running again.  I decided after a few seconds that it wasn't happening, so I ended up walking the rest of the way home.  So much for a stress free evening run.

Stupid lizards.

Freakout Cure

I decided to take a break from studying this afternoon and drove down to CG to see my mom and Cooper.  How can you be stressed out when you look at this little guy?

After I took the picture above, I realized that he reminded me of someone else...

Adorable.

Let the Freakout Commence

It's starting.

I woke up a little after 5:00 a.m. this morning because I'd been laying on my arm for probably a good several hours and it was numb from the shoulder down.  I freed my arm and as the blood began to slowly trickle back, I started thinking about finding a job.  Then the thinking turned into panicking.  I had visions of moving back to Cottage Grove, carrying a box containing my three advanced degrees, making my story even more tragic.  My stomach tightened at the thought of filling out an application to work in retail again, or worse yet- food services.

Needless to say, those two hours before my alarm went off were not spent in a peaceful slumber.

This past semester, when things were imploding epically around me, I spent many, MANY nights waking up several hours before my alarm was set to go off, unable to get back to sleep because my mind would start racing.  I was always amazed at how I could go from sleeping to panicking in a matter of minutes.  I had been sleeping peacefully since April, but it looks like I'll have to get used to being sleep deprived again (as if I wasn't already).

I've never had a real job before.  As a career student, I've been living comfortably in the world of internships, externships, and work study.  I honestly don't know if how I'm going about searching for a job is even right.  Everything I find, it seems like you need a minimum of one year of experience before they'll even consider looking at your resume.  Where are those jobs that say, "No Experience?  No Problem!"  Why can't I find those?  How am I ever going to clear that one year hurdle if the lowest level legal job I can find has that requirement as their minimum?

I don't know what I'm going to do come August 1st when I get home from taking the bar.  I wish I could afford to stay down there for a couple of weeks just looking for a job.  Lord knows it's even harder to search for a job when you're doing it from another state.  I need to be in LA to look for a job, but I need money to move to LA, and to get money I need...

It's a vicious cycle.

I may or may not have teared up about this at least once today.

The Magic's In the Hole

When Tiffany texted me to see if I wanted to take a break and hit up Voodoo Donuts, I didn't give it a second thought.  Since I decided to watch the bar lecture online instead of trudge to school this morning,  I've had little human contact today.  Needless to say, leaving the apartment was a must.

I've also been craving sprinkles, so this hit the spot.

No more studying tonight.  Time to just stare mindlessly at the TV for awhile...

Maybe I Should Have Listened...

"Oh sweetheart, you don't need law school.  Law school is for people who are boring and ugly and serious.  And you, button, are none of those things."

All I do is study.  That takes care of the boring and serious part.

Hopefully my daily run will stave off the ugly part.  Make-up can only go so far in my attempt to cover up how tired I am...

Study Tunes

Nothing good comes easily

Sometimes you got to fight

A little pick-me-up after having my confidence knocked around by property multiple choice questions all day...

Happy Sunday

Sundays just got a whole lot better (and prettier to look at).

And these vampires don't sparkle (*cough*Twilight*cough*).

All I need is for 'Mad Men' to start again and I'll have myself a nice little bar review study break...

Milk, Cookies, and NCAA Violations

This was a sad week to be a Trojan.

I know we started enjoying the limelight a little too much.  I was there at the games with all of the celebrities on the sidelines; I saw Snoop Dogg and his entourage walk through campus to come watch spring practice on a regular basis; I stopped in my tracks, just like everyone else, when Pete Carroll would jog past, his aviator sunglasses gleaming in the bright Southern California sun.

Damn, it felt good to be a Trojan.

When word started to leak out on Wednesday that we were banned from playing in any bowls for the next two years, I actually felt nauseous.  I was angry, not just because the punishment seemed a little harsh, but because I knew that my Facebook newsfeed would be 50% filled with Oregon fans talking about how USC sucks and how we're all a bunch of spoiled rich kids that got what we deserved.  Case in point:

"hahaha screw USC, I hope Reggie Bush is stripped of his Heisman and USC has its National Championship vacated.  They are a bunch of cheating bitches and I hope the program never fully recovers."

You stay classy, Oregon.  Forget about the fact that the day before our quarterback was kicked off the team for being a dumbass and getting arrested (AGAIN) for driving with a suspended license and possession of pot.  Or the fact that like, what, half the team was arrested within the first two months of the year.  Whatevs.

Anyway, when I read the NCAA's report the next day (well, the first half of it), I gotta say, I was pretty disgusted.  I still think the punishment was harsh, but I definitely agree that we deserve to be punished.  Reggie Bush, who I used to like, deserves to have his Heisman taken away.  If the school decided to erase all knowledge of him in the records of USC, I'd be perfectly fine with that.  He's currently about as welcome on campus as OJ Simpson.  The fact that Mike Garrett hasn't been run out by a torch wielding mob baffles me.  Screw Pete, he abandoned ship and is resting comfortably in Seattle.  So, while I think the punishment is harsh and it's gonna take a miracle to come back from that, we definitely deserved something.  Leave the star treatment to the celebrities, let's just get back to playing college football.

I was so depressed on Thursday that concentrating on bar prep was just too hard.  I decided to take a break and make some cookies, my favorite comfort food.

Yum

Cookies make almost everything better.

Yes, I realize I used a wine glass for my milk and cookies.  But 1) I was out of regular glasses and 2) I don't drink, so when else am I going to use this?  Might as well put it to some use, right?

Some Days, We Have Sun...

It was beautiful on Monday.  There wasn't a cloud in the sky and the temperature finally broke the 70 degree mark.  I know Oregon very well though and was sure it was going to go back to doom and gloom by Tuesday (surprise, it did), so I put the books down for a little bit and went for a run around campus.

The NCAA National Track and Field Championships are at Hayward this week, so they've been setting up for the past week.  By tomorrow, the track will be filled with people who can easily run laps around me.

I decided to run up Hendricks Park since I was in the area.  Anyone who hasn't run Hendricks Park before, it's slightly punishing, especially when you're running straight uphill and your body hasn't adjusted to the "heat" (I realize low 70s isn't sweltering, but when you're used to running in 50 degree + weather, 20 degrees is a noticeable difference).  It was a sweaty run.

Nothing but hills and trees from here on out...

Up, up, up...

The urge to go to Prince Puckler's afterwards was slightly overwhelming, but I was sweaty and there was a crowd...

I hope the sun comes back soon...