A little bit of this, a little bit of that, and a whole lot of rambling in-between...
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
To Be Afraid Again
Over the weekend there was a marathon of "The Hills" on MTV, which I had on in the background while I was studying (most of the time with the volume on low so I didn't feel guilty). While it is a guilty pleasure (c'mon, it's not Masterpiece Theater), one of the things I love about it is the sweeping camera shots of Los Angeles. For every two weeks of smog, there's one or two days where it's beautifully clear, the palm trees look especially perky, and the skyscrapers glimmer in the Southern California sun. I fall in love a little more every time. I don't understand how anyone can hate LA.
Today was the first day the fear set in. It's been surprisingly absent for most of bar prep, but during the last hour of today's lecture, when the professor started talking about how important these last two weeks were, that tightness in my stomach suddenly began to form and the nausea reared its ugly head.
I try not to let myself get too bothered by it. I think before, I used to see nervousness as a sign of weakness, and as a classic Type A personality, weakness is not acceptable. Now though, I accept the fact that I'm gonna be nervous...hell, everyone is nervous! We've all been studying for months, our sanity (if we ever had any to begin with) has pretty much been beaten out of us, our confidence is shot. Fear is just apart of the package deal...
What does this all have to do with LA? I've been thinking a lot about fear lately and how there's the fear that sucks, like what I'm feeling in regards to the bar exam, and the fear that's exhilarating, like when you try something new or move to a new place. It feels like I've spent a lot of the past few years feeling the former. Three years of law school finals, the bar, living in a place that doesn't feel like home. It's not like I'm walking around with a rain cloud over my head, but it definitely does affect my outlook.
What I really want is the latter. I want to be afraid like I was when I first moved to LA when I was 18. The fear that's more of a mixture of excitement of the unknown than it is an actual fear. I'm ready to feel that again- actually, I've been ready for awhile now.
I really just want to go home. And for me, home is LA. Anywhere in Southern California is fine by me, but LA will always have my heart.
I hope I get to be afraid in LA soon...
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