If I Had a Time Machine...

I would set it to take me back to when I was in middle school and decided I wanted to be a lawyer.  I wouldn't flat out tell the middle school me to not go to law school, I'd just warn that little kid that the bar exam is the closest thing to hell on Earth that you can possibly imagine.

Day one down in the books.  Two more days to go...

This To Shall Pass...

"One more week," a fellow California bar prepper said to me.

"We're almost done," said an Oregon bar taker as he walked back up to his study room in the library.

None of these sentiments were filled with any excitement or even a hint of relief.  Bar prep had officially beaten all human emotion out of us.  Everyone at school just walks around like zombies, going through the motions, day in and day out.

Even when I go to bed early, I wake up just as tired as when I fell asleep.  I'm soooooo ready to be done with this.

When I was driving home for lunch to take a nap today (I know), this song came on the radio.  It seemed appropriate (the song title in particular)...

I Just Wanna Sleep...

A Life More Fabulous

All I really want to do is sleep.  Just relax, wake up whenever I want, not feel the urge to roll grudgingly out of bed because I need to get to the library so I can get to work.

One week and a couple days left to go...

Cubicle Meltdown

I spent literally my entire day in one cubicle in the library today.  Around 3 or 4, I pretty much just started crying; actually, it was more like silent sobs (I was in a library after all).  It may have been the saddest scene ever.  Tears all over my contracts outline.

Everyone else seems to have someone to lean on.  I'm kinda feeling alone at the moment.

I gave myself 10 minutes to sob my little heart out when I got home.  Then...back to contracts.  Sigh...

To Be Afraid Again

Over the weekend there was a marathon of "The Hills" on MTV, which I had on in the background while I was studying (most of the time with the volume on low so I didn't feel guilty).  While it is a guilty pleasure (c'mon, it's not Masterpiece Theater), one of the things I love about it is the sweeping camera shots of Los Angeles.  For every two weeks of smog, there's one or two days where it's beautifully clear, the palm trees look especially perky, and the skyscrapers glimmer in the Southern California sun.  I fall in love a little more every time.  I don't understand how anyone can hate LA.

Today was the first day the fear set in.  It's been surprisingly absent for most of bar prep, but during the last hour of today's lecture, when the professor started talking about how important these last two weeks were, that tightness in my stomach suddenly began to form and the nausea reared its ugly head.

I try not to let myself get too bothered by it.  I think before, I used to see nervousness as a sign of weakness, and as a classic Type A personality, weakness is not acceptable.  Now though, I accept the fact that I'm gonna be nervous...hell, everyone is nervous!  We've all been studying for months, our sanity (if we ever had any to begin with) has pretty much been beaten out of us, our confidence is shot.  Fear is just apart of the package deal...

What does this all have to do with LA?  I've been thinking a lot about fear lately and how there's the fear that sucks, like what I'm feeling in regards to the bar exam, and the fear that's exhilarating, like when you try something new or move to a new place.  It feels like I've spent a lot of the past few years feeling the former.  Three years of law school finals, the bar, living in a place that doesn't feel like home.  It's not like I'm walking around with a rain cloud over my head, but it definitely does affect my outlook.

What I really want is the latter.  I want to be afraid like I was when I first moved to LA when I was 18.  The fear that's more of a mixture of excitement of the unknown than it is an actual fear.  I'm ready to feel that again- actually, I've been ready for awhile now.

I really just want to go home.  And for me, home is LA.  Anywhere in Southern California is fine by me, but LA will always have my heart.

I hope I get to be afraid in LA soon...

I Can't Wait...

To go see a movie in the theater.

To read a magazine.

To sleep in past 8:00 a.m.

To go out without feeling guilty about not working.

To go an entire day without doing anything educational.

To be done studying every waking moment.

As boring as my life may feel at times, I can't wait to have it back...

Ugh.

What a way to end the week:

• Sample MBE from 9 a.m. to 4 p.m.
• Spilling the entire contents of a water bottle in my bag during the lunch break, submerging my Scantron from the morning session and more importantly...my iPhone.
• Almost driving away from Starbucks with my coffee on my roof (thanks, kind stranger, for the wild hand gestures).
• A spider that decided to scurry across my dashboard as I was driving.
• Spending money on a new phone.
• Correcting my sample MBE and feeling completely defeated.

But I guess I have to at least ATTEMPT to look on the bright side:

• The sample MBE is supposed to be ridiculously hard (according the the Barbri lecturer), so hopefully I wasn't the only one feeling hopeless after today.
• At least my computer wasn't in my bag like it normally is.  My water bottle is NEVER allowed back in my bag.
• Even though they were out of the new iPhone 4 and I had to get the last model (and waste my upgrade), the sales guy told me that technically, I could return my new phone if I was "unsatisfied" within 30 days and get the upgrade restored so I can get the new iPhone.  I'm ordering it tomorrow.

After the bar, I'd love to just go to a spa for a few days and relax.  Feel like a girl again and not a tired mess.

Dare to dream...